New Year

Man, the “New Year” is always a hard time for me. Well, holidays in general are always a hard time for me. Some of it, is that my depression worsens around things that are supposed to be joyful. But mostly, I always wonder if it’s the last year I’ll have with terminally ill daughter.

As I reflect back over the last year and over the last several years I am overcome with pain and sorrow for all that we’ve endured. I know people say to think positive, to look at the good not the bad, and while that’s good advice, sometimes the reality is that there is way more hard than there is good. I’m not saying this for self-pity or even for your pity, but more just as a reflection and acknowledgment that it’s okay to struggle.

Good things can happen in the midst of sorrow and in the midst of hard and it’s important to recognize those good things, to hold onto those good things, to remember those good things. But it’s also okay to acknowledge the big, the hard, the heartbreaking, the losses, the struggles, etc. You see with so much illness- chronic, mental, emotional, physical, there is a deep isolation, a lack of understanding. Not because people don’t care, but because they just can’t understand what they have not lived.

I am lucky enough to have a few really great people in my life, number one being my amazing husband, number two my family, they are learning more about me and I feel closer than I’ve ever felt to them before, not to mention they really showed up for me this last year at a time when I needed them the most. But it also hurts to have lost so much on this journey. So many people just don’t understand, either they don’t want to, or they can’t, people who burn out, people who walk away, people who question the “realness” and the “gravity” of what we face, and it stings to my core.

This last year one of my closest “friends” called me up out of the blue one afternoon and accused my husband of stealing over 20 thousand dollars from them during a construction project he helped them with over 3 years ago. She was so angry she said she didn’t even want to discuss it and that they had already contacted a lawyer and they were planning to take legal action. I’m not sure there is a word or even a phrase to describe the complete shock and hurt I felt. We went through every last shred of paperwork we could find from the job to find what they could possibly be misunderstanding but we couldn’t find anything. Now here’s the thing. This job did go bad, I mean everything that could go wrong did go wrong, but never once was anything dishonest or shady on our part. We told them what was happening every step of the way. In fact, by the time the job was finished we didn’t get paid a single penny because even though we had done about $40,000 worth of work and we had put in over $11,000 of our own cash (that we didn’t have to spare!). We had sunk it all into the job to do our best by them, to be the people of integrity that we are. The thing that’s even more ridiculous is that all of this happened and they pretended that everything between us was fine FOR 3 YEARS! I’m talking lunches, hang outs, pool nights, birthday party’s, football games… I had never so much as had a tense conversation or confrontation with this friend and we were really close! Finally, after multiple threats that they would sue us and ruin us we talked to a lawyer, we knew we were innocent but had never had anything like this happen before so we needed guidance. He told us that not only were we innocent but if anything they would owe us money. He suggested we try to settle it out of court to save money, because even if you’re innocent you have to pay lawyer and court fees. So we asked if they would talk with a mediator, he yelled and complained and threatened some more before saying he would think about it. He agreed and someone we both trust found us a lawyer to work with. We contacted the lawyer and our “friends” never contacted us again. We don’t know if we’ve heard the last of them, but we suspect they finally realized that they made a mistake and don’t want to admit it to us or be found out in court. I tried reaching out once via a simple card, but it was not answered, so now I’m trying to find a way to move forward, to accept what I can not change, to let go of the injustice that we have faced. It’s been over 8 months since this traumatic, emotional, tsunami and the damage it has left in the aftermath has been devastating. Not only were we completely caught off guard, but the accusations are so far from the truth that if it wasn’t so painful it would be laughable. Now I’ve not only lost one of my closest friends of 10 years but we’ve also lost our mutual friends who I don’t get to see anymore. And because they are holding the lawsuit card we have to suffer in silence as they go on living these lies. The emotional stress set me back severely in my mental health and my physical health. I’m not sure I have ever felt so alone in my entire life. To lose about half of my “friends” ( you don’t have many when you’ve been sick for 9+ years) over complete lies and not a single one contacts you to even see if it’s true. It is devastating, absolutely devastating.

So this year beat me up and left me limping, but so have the last 9 years. Some people might say I’m negative when I don’t look forward to the “New Year”, but the truth is I’m not strong enough to look forward to a whole year. Maybe because they have all been “more than normal, exceptionally difficult”, but mostly I think it’s because I live a hard life. It’s okay to acknowledge a hard life. Yes, there will always be someone who has a harder life, but it’s okay to feel sadness over your own hard. It’s true, life isn’t fair. So just as I’ve done so many times before, I’m going to follow my mom’s sound advice and instead of looking forward a year I’m going to look forward one day, one hour, one minute, or even one tiny second at a time. Whatever I can handle. And I’m going to celebrate the good and I’m going to allow myself to grieve over the bad. I have no reason to believe that this year will be any kinder than the last 9+ brutal years, but I do know I can make it for each next second and so that is what I will focus on.

Keep Fighting,

Amy

We Won’t Quit

I’ve been absent for a while. I just haven’t had the motivation to write. Feeling a bit confused and frustrated.

I hate mental illness and what it does to those of us that suffer and to those who love us.

At this moment I am sitting in my bed in complete agony over a trigger for my OCD/PTSD. Just a simple comment that my body reacted to and instantly I was flooded with thoughts from a past bad experience, drenched in false guilt and my body was covered in sweat as my heart raced and the pit in my stomach got even deeper. Now I’m literally a mess just trying to breathe and live.

This happens on a regular basis and it is absolutely the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life. The severity varies and the length varies, but it is literally something I deal with every.single.day. of my life.

I’m tired and I’m weak. I feel like I’m going to vomit.

This is true OCD.

If only it was just wanting an organized pantry…

Misconceptions about mental illness doesn’t make me angry (maybe because I used to be one of them?), but they do make me more passionate about spreading awareness.

*Deep Breath*

This is so very very very hard. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this over and over. Why do our brains not believe us? How can I know the truth and yet feel like it is a lie. How can my body betray me. This is so confusing and frustrating. I just want to be well.

If you struggle with intrusive repetitive thoughts and PTSD/OCD triggered anxiety attacks you know what I’m talking about. We tear ourselves up with hate filled words, with guilt filled thoughts, we remember every mistake we ever made and replay it only we make it even worse in our heads than it actually was. We confess as a ritual to try to stop the guilt, it may help for a while, but it always flares up again, and again, and again.

I’m so tired.

*Deep Breath*

We don’t give up. We have to keep fighting. We face the battle that feels even bigger than impossible and we choose to believe we are more than this feeling. We are more than this illness. We are more than the lies screaming in our heads. We are not our past. We will not surrender. We will not lay down and quit. We will get knocked down and then we will breathe deep, look our fears dead in the eyes, and say, “You will not win!”. We get back up. We keep going. Over and over and over again. We will not be imprisoned by the monster inside our heads. We will do the things it tells us we can’t. We will do the things it says we should fear. We will engage in conversations that may trigger the sleeping beast. We will be venerable to those around us when we need help. We will give ourselves grace when we are weak. We will give ourselves kind words when all we feel and hear are hatred. We will speak truth even when our whole bodies tell us it is a lie. And we will drag our broken and bleeding bodies over glass and hot coals to reach the finish line because we have a purpose and we will not quit because people fighting mental illness are quite possibly the strongest people on the planet!

Keep Fighting,

Amy

 

Knowledge is Power

Y’all, This week has been a challenge. I mean, that sounds weird to say that because I can’t recall a time in the last 15 years that wasn’t a challenging week, but this week my OCD flared up REALLY bad on Wednesday. When you deal with something like OCD everyday you sometimes forget the intensity of it when it’s at its peak.

Guys, it was so bad I called like 5 random therapists/ psychologists I found on google that are in my area trying to find someone to see me that day. Luckily I found a lady who called me back and could see me right away. She was nice and had a pretty decent knowledge of OCD (why is that usually hard to find??).

Anyway, she said something that was SO helpful to me and I have to share it with you all. She said “OCD is misplaced anxiety.” She said she feels like most of my OCD is based on a real fear that I face daily and that I’m subconsciously trying to hurt myself to avoid the real pain that I have to carry. I REALLY think she is on to something! I have been trying to examine my OCD and the times it flares up and I definitely see a pattern. In a OCD world where nothing makes sense and everything is confusing, this little piece of hope in understanding my brain better was such a welcome gift!!

The last few days when I feel the OCD I say to myself “this is just misplaced anxiety” and I relax my tensed muscles and exhale. I recognize and acknowledge the anxiety that I carry (even if I don’t feel like it is a particularly high anxiety time at that moment I’ve learned that it can still effect me.) Then I try to continue whatever I’m doing as normally as I can. So far it has been a wonderful tool to add to my toolbox of things to fight my OCD!

I so hope this helps you too!!

 

Keep Fighting,

Amy

A Roller Coaster You Didn’t Ask to Ride.

How does one go from walking 2 1/2 miles one day to a few days later not being able to dress herself or communicate and needing a wheelchair?
A horrible accident? a surgery? A terrible injury?
nope.
Depression.
Can I just say going from such a high to such a low is really hard. But I have been dealing with some pretty big things in my personal life that can help explain the low I found myself in, and I have learned through many many many years of experience, this too will pass.
I just need to get through the day, and as my mom always said, “just take it an hour at a time and if that’s too much, take it a minute at a time, and if that’s still too much take it one second at a time.”
On those dreadful days I take it one second at a time.
I told my husband earlier today, when we were discussing my crash that happened yesterday, I literally felt like a tiny miniature version of myself was trapped inside a sound proof prison cell deep inside my body screaming “HELP ME!” and no one could hear me because my body lay there limp and unable to speak. As we discussed our different perspectives on the situation we had walked through many times before, we talked again about the do’s and don’ts for what I need in that moment.
Tough love is a no.
Trust me, in those moments the last thing that is beneficial is someone trying to “shame” or “scold” me into just doing it. Just talking, just getting dressed, just getting some fresh air.
Close contact and eye contact is a yes.
I need to feel life from you, because I’m feeling really numb (at least on the outside. Inside I’m screaming and shouting at myself to pull it together and snap out of it). I need to hear words of affirmation because I feel like a dead weight. I need to see care and calm in your eyes. I need you to reassure me that what I’m feeling will pass, that you understand that I’m doing my best, that you are staying with me and that you love me.
And if all that fails throw a (clean!) pair of undies on your head and run around the room like a crazy man! Anything to make me feel something and to make the pain less intense.
I think communicating to your spouse/friends/family what works best for you while you are in a crash, after you have recently had one, is really beneficial for the next time it happens. They aren’t mind readers and we can’t talk, so both sides need to give grace for shortcomings, but communicating about it is certainly a step in the right direction!
Another thing I’ve learned over the years is to be patient with myself on bad days. When we feel that darkness overtaking our minds and bodies our initial and natural response is to tense up, fight it, panic, fear it… But what we need to do is take a slow deep breath and speak some truths to our brain before it takes over completely to the point where truth and lies start to get mixed up. I also like to tell my husband something like ” hey, just so you know I’m feeling really bad and my depression (or anxiety or whatever I’m dealing with at the time) is really flaring up. I’m going to probably need you to be extra sensitive” or “I might be extra tense” or “I need some alone time”.
Another thing that helps sometimes, depending on the severity and what I’m dealing with, is using multiple senses. For example, playing a card game while eating a snack. One without the other isn’t enough. Now, can I be real? The last thing I usually want to do when I am feeling mental torment is to play a game or eat, but my husband usually talks me into it and it does help some of the time. It’s not like I’m enjoying the game or the snack, but I’m just using it to pass the time and to turn off some of the over reactive senses.
The point is, sometimes we have to go against what feels like a natural response and learn new, healthier habits to enforce when our bodies and brains betray us. And sometimes there is absolutely nothing in the world that you can do to stop it, even if you do everything right. So give yourself a break from the condescending, self-doubt and dish yourself up a nice heaping bowl of grace with whipped cream on top. You and I are doing the best we can and you are not alone in this fight! If it’s one of your hard days just take it one second at a time. You can fight for one more second. You’ve got this!
Keep Fighting,
Amy

Music

Music is such a gift to my soul.

Whether it’s worship music or love songs, opera (on rare occasion), or happy up beat pop.
Music finds a way deep into my being.
It’s like if you mute a movie during a scary part, it’s suddenly less scary. If you mute it during a romantic seen, the romance goes away.
If you’re having a slow day, put on an upbeat song and you’ll get a little pep in your step. If your feeling sad, turn on a slow, deep, song and cry your eyes out until you feel better.
Music is powerful.
I use it as a type of therapy.
I love to listen to it and sing along with it. I love the chills and the emotion it evokes in me.
I also write songs.
I hope that one day they will be able to be shared with other chronic illness fighters and I hope they bring them the same comfort and move them as deeply as some of my favorite artists and songs have me!
This week has been a little hard, I had to go in for my TMS and my OCD has made its self very known, in fact it was so bad I was using music to help which led to this post.
My fibromyalgia has also been an unwelcome guest and with the rain moving in my body is in rebellion.

So carry on fellow fighters and maybe find some time to listen to your favorite music and let it sink deep into your soul!

Keep Fighting,

Amy

Pain

Ouch!

My fibromyalgia has been so bad the last few days, keeping me awake and just throbbing.

It’s really discouraging because usually it flares up most when the weather is changing, but here lately even with the stable weather it has been really painful.

Stress is also a cause of a flare ups, and my stress level has been quite high! We have only a few weeks to find a place to live and we just started going to a small group type thing on Thursday nights and I’m dreading it.

I mean, I want to want to go, but I don’t. My anxiety and depression really want me to stay in. Plus the threat of getting the flu with this awful epidemic scares me to death! I do not have a healthy immune system and the last thing I want is to give any germs to my daughter!

It’s hard to live life when you are physically and mentally disabled.

The truth is, we all face difficulties. We can’t choose our battles, we just have to live with them.

Accepting and not fighting it helps.

Just the other day we were having a family day that ended abruptly due to an intense OCD attack. I was so upset and felt terrible about it, but my husband sweetly reminded me that this is our life and that it’s okay, it’s just something we have to live with.

One day at a time friends, hang in there and give yourself grace when you can’t do everything you hope!

Keep Fighting,

Dawn Harris

Nightmares

Nightmares.

Were sleep goes to die.

Anyone else here deal with nightmares every. single. night.?

I’m talking years were I can’t remember a single morning waking up without a bad dream (usually multiple). As a quick sample for you, over the last 4 nights or so I have been attacked, chased, somebody attempted to rape me, my husband betrayed me, my dad shot himself in the head, and my husband cheated on me multiple times.

Restful yes? not.

You guys I’ve tried everything!

It is so hard to start my morning off with a headache, literally aching body from being so tense, crying, angry… etc.

I don’t have advice for this one. I really don’t. I just want you to know the hidden parts of mental and physical illness if you are learning about us, and to you, reader who understands, I just want to remind you once again that you are NOT alone in this fight! I see you, I hurt for you, I’m proud of you for pressing on. I know your fight doesn’t end when your head hits the pillow. I know this is a 24/7 fight. Hang in there, we can do this even when it really really really sucks.

Keep Fighting,

Amy

 

Techniques

Growing, learning, waiting.

Life with chronic illness takes a lot of strength. It is hard to face a future when even facing an hour can feel impossible! I try to find truth in the midst of the pain and or mental confusion.

When I am hurting I try to give myself grace to rest and just be. If it is a physical pain I do what I can to make myself more comfortable. Something like a hot bath, using a heating pad, taking a medication that my body will tolerate (there aren’t many), slow deep breaths, closing my eyes, and being intentional about relaxing every muscle in my body. Pain makes us tense up causing us further pain.

When I am hurting mentally I also start by trying to give myself grace. I use a few different techniques in dealing with myself. I struggle with several different things so the approach I take varies by what I’m facing at the time. For depression I usually will try to gently force myself to attempt to get up and outside. Fresh air is so good! Luckily I live in a state with great weather all year around so that is a great option for me. If my depression worsens, I know it’s a day where I just need to let my self isolate until it lets up a bit. If my depression lessons, I continue on with the day as best as I can. If I’m dealing with a bad OCD flare up, I usually will try to ignore it, laugh at it (even if I’m faking), agree with it (even though it’s a lie), or again, if those things fail I usually will isolate until it passes.

When I have to isolate for any of the above problems I sometimes put in my ear buds and crank up my favorite music to block out the madness and to control what I hear so as to avoid triggers. I suggest choosing positive music, something that speaks to your soul! I love worship music and Kari Jobe is my go-to girl!

I know isolation and avoidance are not the answer.

I’m simply stating that in my case, I feel, that on occasion, it is the necessary course of action for temporary function. I don’t give up and stop fighting, I just realize that at times, acceptance is a better course of action.

Then, as soon as I can, I get back at it! Facing the fears and trudging through the shadows.

I’m so thankful to have this space to write and share real life experience and to share different techniques that I have learned over the years from other brave souls for have been willing to share their stories!

Together we can help end the stigma of chronic illness and mental illness!

Keep Fighting,

Amy

 

Learning to accept me.

Since I was little I saw things differently.

But life was good.

I was always tired and struggled to get out of bed.

But life was for the most part still good.

By the time I hit puberty my world started to shift.

Big emotions and hormone changes.

People I looked up to let me down.

I started to withdraw.

I felt sad and didn’t know why.

I felt guilty for every thought or action that wasn’t perfect.

I dreaded special days like Christmas and my birthday.

Big days meant expectations and I couldn’t meet those.

I became fearful and didn’t trust.

By 15 I had been told so many times that I was just “being selfish” that I “needed to choose to be happy” that my mood “sucked the life” out of those around me.

I wondered what was wrong with me.

I tried harder to be who I was supposed to be.

At 17 I fell in love, and by 18 I was married.

Still fighting through the darkness my health had started to decline.

I didn’t have a car or job.

I kept the door bolted and the blinds shut, crippled by fear.

The darkness continued.

People in our life tried to manipulate us.

We fought about the hurtful words they would say.

He said “let it roll off your back”.

I said “I can’t”.

I wanted to, really I did, but the words and actions were on a replay reel in my head.

2 months after turning 21 I became pregnant.

We were so excited.

I thought this will give me purpose, this will make me happy.

I was hit with sickness immediately.

Then only a day after announcing to my family that our baby was coming, the bleeding and cramping hit.

We were told we would most likely lose our baby.

I grieved deeply, no woman in my family had miscarried before.

I prayed for a miracle and it was answered with a yes.

Our baby’s life was spared.

My sickness increased and nearly took my life and my baby’s life.

Even a sip of water could not be kept down.

The doctor scolded me when I cried because he was admitting me to the hospital.

He said I would lose my baby within a day without immediate care.

I felt shame.

I didn’t think about that.

I was frail and couldn’t walk or even stand on my own.

After a month I was released to go.

Although I was still vomiting several times a day, the feeding tube had put some healthy weight back on my bony frame.

Halfway through the pregnancy we found out we would be having a beautiful baby girl and both of our dreams came true.

The next day we got a call.

It was her heart.

We were ultimately told she was only given a 20% chance to live and would require multiple open heart surgeries and or a heart transplant.

We were also offered an abortion.

How is this happening?

NO!

We were devastated.

I bawled my eyes out.

We found out that because of the complexity and rarity of our daughter’s heart defects, we would have to travel out-of-state for her care.

We delivered via C-section at 39 weeks 1 day gestation.

She was crying and as we reached up to touch her fingers she turned blue.

They put her on a ventilator and they rushed her off for her first surgical intervention.

A week later she crashed on her way to the OR for what was supposed to be her first big open heart surgery.

The surgeon did an experimental surgery that day that had never been done before and it saved her life.

At 2 weeks old she narrowly missed needing a transplant and went through her second open heart surgery.

She recovered and when she was 1 month old they were ready to release her.

They said she is very fragile.

You cannot be too careful.

If she gets a cold she can die.

Something inside of me flipped that day and I’ve never been the same.

The whole world was a threat to my baby.

I isolated.

I put up barricades.

I monitored.

I administered meds.

We went to weekly cardiology appointments.

Then at 3 months old something was wrong.

I called the doctor’s office and they brushed it off.

She was placed on oxygen and we took shifts watching her during the nights.

I called again and again.

Finally days later I received a call letting me know a mistake had been made and that our daughter needed immediate emergency surgical intervention.

We raced through the usual 4 hour drive to arrive at the pediatric cardiac ICU in the middle of the night.

She came through but my fear was deepened to yet another level.

I felt even more weight on my shoulders after their error.

After all it wasn’t the first medical error.

What if I hadn’t persisted?

She would be dead.

I must never miss anything.

2 months later it was time for her next big open heart surgery.

She came through but it was brutal.

About 1 month later, my husband broke.

You see, I was falling apart mentally and physically.

We were shut in just the three of us.

I had yet to recover from my C-section and pregnancy.

And finally he couldn’t take it anymore.

He said some hurtful things out of his own fear and lack of knowledge of mental health, and it shattered me.

I knew I wasn’t doing well and I started seeing a counselor.

We began to communicate better and he began to understand what I was going through.

Over the next year and a half we began to realize we had toxic people in our life.

We decided our marriage and our daughter’s well-being must come first and we began to detox the things and people who did not respect our new life.

While it was a necessary part of life, it was a painful part as well.

It made me feel guilty.

I’m a pleaser.

I like everyone to get along and for everything to be resolved neatly.

Real life though, sometimes requires you to be uncomfortable in order to do the right thing.

At 2 1/2 years old our daughter had her 5th and 6th surgical procedures, including another major open heart surgery.

We moved into a new house and without anymore scheduled open heart surgeries on the horizon I thought I would finally be able to start living a bit more of a normal life.

I was wrong.

By my daughter’s 4th birthday I had a bit of a mental breakdown.

I have spent the last 3 1/2 years almost completely bed and wheelchair bound.

Our daughter has had 2 more surgical procedures.

I’ve been shuffled from doctor to doctor, state to state, test to test, medication to medication, treatment to treatment, therapy to therapy.

You know what I’ve learned?

Our bodies are not made to live this way.

I have many disabilities.

I was born this way.

But it wasn’t until I was 28 years old that I finally got the diagnosis of OCD.

Yes, depression and anxiety.

Yes, fibromyalgia.

Yes, dysautonomia in the form of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome.

Yes, autoimmune disease.

Yes, vaginismus

Yes, inappropriate sinus tachycardia syndrome.

Yes, a bicuspid aortic valve.

Yes, double inguinal hernias.

Yes, chronic fatigue.

Yes, central sensitization disorder.

Yes, acid reflux.

Yes, irritable Bowl Syndrome.

Yes, symptoms of endometriosis.

Yes, pectus excavatum.

Yes, post traumatic stress disorder.

Yes, hypermobile joints.

Yes, hormonal imbalances.

But the one that literally changed my life was OCD.

Three letters and yet it haunts me every single waking hour.

It even haunts me in my sleep.

Nightmares.

Guilt.

Obsession.

Unwanted intrusive thoughts.

Needing approval and constant reassurance

Everything feels like a life or death decision.

Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Fearful of causing any pain to the point of fearing all interaction.

Over analyzing.

I can’t begin to explain the pain that this journey has brought me this far.

I have literally, on more than one occasion, been bawling in the fetal position begging my heart to stop beating.

I didn’t think I could take the pain anymore, but one rapid beat at a time my life continued.

My husband gave me a beautiful gift the day he learned about me and chose to understand mental illness instead of continuing to believe the cruel misinformation that is widespread in the world today.

I’ve always known that my daughter is worth fighting for.

And now as I continue to learn about myself, I’m learning that I am too.

 

Keep Fighting,

Amy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tips and Tricks

Here lately my mental health has taken the attention of this blog more so than my chronic physical pain and limitations. While my physical condition still very much affects my daily life, it is the lack of a healthy mental state that plagues me the most.

I think one of the most useful tools in fighting this battle is sharing what we learn and in turn learning from others who walk this journey along side of us! Each of us are different, we are affected differently, some techniques help us while not helping others and so on. However, I believe, unless you have lived it first hand, you simply cannot completely understand the struggle. Therefore I like to share what I learn from fellow chronic fighters and hope that they help you too!

I recently watched a video about the terribly negative way we speak to ourselves and how when we think about how harsh and critical we are of ourselves we should realize that we would never say such hateful things to a friend and we shouldn’t say them to ourselves. Then, the woman held up a picture to each of the women she was speaking too and in the picture they faced themselves as a child. She asked them if they could tell the child version of themselves the same harsh words they speak to themselves now.

Cue the emotions.

You wouldn’t tell your 5-year-old self that they are worthless, that they are too fat or too skinny, or that they are lazy and ugly. So why do we say it to ourselves right now.

I immediately thought about my daughter (S) who deals with MANY of the same struggles I do. But when she is struggling, my heart aches for her SO deeply. I hug her, I confirm her, I lift her up, I denounce the lies she is fighting, I encourage her good heart, I nurse her wounded spirit. I do not think less of her because of something she can’t control. I do not for a moment, even remotely, begin to say or even think the harsh words I would speak to myself if I was fighting the same battle.

Whoa.

It hits you right where you need it. Am I right?

How many times have we come down on ourselves for things completely outside of our control. For the things that happen to us, not the things that happen because of us.

We hold ourselves to impossible standards and when we fall short we are ruthless.

After I watched this exercise and began to think through the truth in it, later that day I caught myself coming down hard on myself for something that had happened to me. I started into myself with “what is wrong with you?!” and almost immediately I remembered the video that I had watched, and as I imagined my daughter coming to me with the same struggles, I imagined the things I would say to her, and then, I gently said them to myself.

It felt like a comforting hug.

A conformation that my illness is not who I am.

It didn’t take away my struggle but instead of heaping false shame on top of my already struggling mind, I felt a renewed awareness of the truth and that this battle is mine to fight not because of what I’ve done, but because of an illness.

Strictly, because of an illness.

And that my friends is my tip.

Be kind to your spirit.

Keep Fighting,

Amy