Can we talk about transparency for a minute?
Gosh this is a tricky word or rather a tricky concept.
There are usually two scenarios in those who really struggle with their mental health. One are the people that are open and vulnerable and share their struggles with friends, family, social media, and even strangers. The second are the people who try to hide it, to keep it in, to keep going looking as normal as possible, and never letting anyone know that are fighting a raging mental battle. Now, yes there are lots of variations and combinations of the two scenarios I just described and truthfully most people are a mix of the two, but they at least tend to lean strongly one way or the other.
The people that lean toward the first scenario are often labeled “needy”, “attention seeking”, “dramatic”, “weak”, “negative” etc.
The people in the second scenario are often labeled “strong”, “positive”, “normal” etc.
Here’s the problem. No matter what we do, we can’t make everyone happy. As you can tell from my blog and mental health advocacy, I lean strongly to the “bare it all” side of the road but I do believe there should still be a bit of balance.
I had someone who reached out to me privately to ask for some advice based on my experience in the mental illness fight. I know this person has struggled a great deal with mental illness and after talking to them more, it was apparent that it was a far greater struggle than I had known. To look at this person’s social media and life you would really think they had it all handled and here’s the tricky part, this person even shared about some struggles publicly (but only rarely and certainly not even close to sharing the extent of the problems they are facing). I was saddened that even I, a fellow mental illness sufferer couldn’t see through the “good”.
The problem with this is that there is a difficult line to find between putting up healthy boundaries by protecting your privacy and not airing your dirty laundry, and putting up a false front by coming across as okay through fake vulnerability (sharing only the smallest bit of struggle to get you some support but not enough to make anyone uncomfortable or be labeled “needy”). Now, I know some people are embarrassed or don’t share just because they think sharing openly is unnecessary, but I do know this, if I hadn’t been sharing openly, not only would I feel completely stifled trying to fake my way through life surrounded by fake “friends”, but I wouldn’t have been accessible for the multiple questions I get about treatment and getting help because no one would know they could come to me. Because I share openly, people know I’m not uncomfortable talking about mental health and they can be vulnerable with me! There is nothing more rewarding for me in this journey then helping someone else, it really gives my suffering purpose!
If you are suffering and fighting in silence, I don’t blame you in the least, in fact there are a lot of times I wish I could go back and undo all my openness, because to be quite frank, as maddening as it is, I would have so much more “support” if my story wasn’t so “messy and complicated”. But every time I get to help a fellow mental illness sufferer or every time I get a true friend, I realize that as hard as this road of vulnerability is, it’s worth it.
I’ve written about suicide a few times before, but If somebody takes their own life or decides to tell their story years after the severe struggle, the response will be what it always is “Why didn’t they ask for help?”, ” I had no idea they were struggling”, “they hid it so well”… etc. This makes me crazy! Not only is that shaming someone for being sick, but they are also taking the guilt off of their own shoulders (for not accepting mental illness) and placing it on the person that was only in that position of isolation because they where trying to make society as a whole comfortable by not talking about it! Seriously, you talk about your mental illness, you’re “labeled” and if you don’t talk about it you “should have”. There is no winning.
Look, as a mental health advocate I encourage openness but I can not and will not say it is the easy road. And all those people who make those ignorant comments after someone is gone… they actually aren’t there when you “ask for help”, their behavior doesn’t change when they “know you are struggling” (unless you consider distancing themselves from you as change, that they will do). It’s pathetic. Why would someone want to be open about their struggles when all it gets them is isolation, being misunderstood, and a label of “attention seeking”, “negative”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “weak”?
I totally get the appeal of only sharing the smallest part of your struggle so as not to scare away the friends you do have. But once you start to really share the hardest parts of your mental illness it’s only the fake ones who fade away. The true friends will lean in and learn to understand. They will be the ones to come in and lift you up.
You don’t have to share your story, but man, I’m passionate about it. I know so many people are suffering in silence and if we all share our lives and our stories, maybe someday society will change, maybe we can make a positive difference for those who come behind us. Our children and grandchildren may grow up in a world where a mental illness is respected, treated, and supported instead of hushed, mocked, and ignored!
I’m not saying you can’t still be lighthearted and have fun with your friends and family. Please do! People need to see that mental illness doesn’t have a “face” that you can laugh and have fun and then be suicidal and crippled by anxiety later the same day! They need to see the “downs” too, not just the “ups”. You don’t have to tell the whole world, you don’t have to be a public mental health advocate to change the world, just start with your circle. Challenge yourself to be uncomfortable enough to be vulnerable. I strongly suggest that you find an amazing therapist to be a consistent stable support system for you during your mental health journey. Not only will it help you grow and develop healthy tools to fight the darkness, but it will also help you when you feel rejected from people you thought would be there for you that disappear when you are honest.
I’m also not saying that you have to share everything with everybody. There are a lot of things about me that you all don’t know. Things that are personal that aren’t relevant to my advocacy. There are things you should keep private that only need to be discussed with a therapist or a close safe circle. Those aren’t the things I’m talking about. But if you are struggling deeply and you feel like you can’t say anything because it will make the people around you uncomfortable…share it. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. That’s vulnerability, that’s working toward finding who your true friends are and working toward changing the world for a better future.
Keep Fighting,
Amy
Living Life With Chronic Illness. 