Life Recap

ERP or “Exposure Response Prevention” is changing my life! It is the best OCD treatment I’ve ever had! TMS “Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation” is also a part of my regular treatment regimen and it has just been FDA approved to help treat OCD so it is a win win win win for me, hitting my depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD all in one treatment with little to no risk of side effects! It’s still far from where it needs to be, but definitely seems to be moving in the right direction!

I’ve just started seeing a new doctor…yet again, which means a lot of new tests will be run over the next few weeks. If I had a dollar for every doctor, stranger, or even a friend that has described the last 9 years or our lives as a “living hell” I’d be a rich woman. But I will continue to seek out answers and healing because my life is worth the fight.

Hey you, yes you, your life is worth the fight too. Just in case you needed to remember that today.

I’ve battled so many illnesses, severe treatment resistant depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, multiple chronic illnesses, fibromyalgia, POTS, IBS, acid reflux, central sensitization disorder, multiple physical deformities and disabilities, faced terminal diagnosis of my closest of the close, lost 2 dear friends to suicide, lost one of my best friends to a manipulator, over 10 surgical procedures in my family and under anesthesia way more times than that, too many hospital stays, more doctor visits than I can count… literally hundreds (thousands?), 4 states of doctors, specialists, tests, and treatments, multiple rounds of physical therapy, years of counseling, sepsis, syncope, pneumonia, colon biopsy, hormonal imbalances, a ton of CT scans and MRIs, so much nausea and vomiting, spinal tap, spinal fluid leak, blood patch, EMG test, needle muscle biopsy, heart condition(s), constant headaches, EEGs, endometriosis, malnourishment, pic line and TPN, low blood sugar, restless and nightmare filled sleep every single night, 6 Ketamine treatments, 14 rounds of ECT, many ER visits, over 100 TMS sessions, biofeedback training, fighting to gain weight, slurred speech, loss of leg function, bed and wheelchair bound, Iron infusions, swollen stomach, swollen legs, swollen feet, body pain from head to toe, chronic fevers, so many meds, so many side effects, so many unanswered questions and so many unsolved problems. I could probably go on, but I think you get the idea.

Yet, here I am, 9 years later. Still fighting for my life. I’d be lying if I said it’s just because I’m too strong to give up. I have, on multiple occasions, begged God through sobs to just make my heart stop beating. I’ve said “I can’t do this” a million times. But I will never take my own life. I’ve seen and first hand experienced the pain it drenches those closest to the one lost in. So as long as my heart is beating I have no choice but to keep living. Because no matter how hard it gets, my lungs keep filling and emptying (even if only at 75% function) and my heart keeps pumping (even if it’s two sizes too small and functioning similar to a person in heart failure). I’m not fighting just for me, but I’m fighting for all the people who love me, I’m fighting for all the people who will hear or read my story and perhaps find the strength they need to also keep fighting. This life is so very isolating, but I see you. I’m with you. I’m for you. Don’t quit my friend, look how amazingly far you have come!

And maybe just maybe you will eventually come to a place where you dare to dream again. Where you dare to believe you have a future of more than pain, doctors, and mere survival. I’m getting there. It’s been a long 9 years, and it’s not even close to being over, but I’m starting to hope for a future that is more, where my life and this journey has purpose. Starting with you. Thank you for reading my blog, I hope you feel loved here.

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