We Won’t Quit

I’ve been absent for a while. I just haven’t had the motivation to write. Feeling a bit confused and frustrated.

I hate mental illness and what it does to those of us that suffer and to those who love us.

At this moment I am sitting in my bed in complete agony over a trigger for my OCD/PTSD. Just a simple comment that my body reacted to and instantly I was flooded with thoughts from a past bad experience, drenched in false guilt and my body was covered in sweat as my heart raced and the pit in my stomach got even deeper. Now I’m literally a mess just trying to breathe and live.

This happens on a regular basis and it is absolutely the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life. The severity varies and the length varies, but it is literally something I deal with every.single.day. of my life.

I’m tired and I’m weak. I feel like I’m going to vomit.

This is true OCD.

If only it was just wanting an organized pantry…

Misconceptions about mental illness doesn’t make me angry (maybe because I used to be one of them?), but they do make me more passionate about spreading awareness.

*Deep Breath*

This is so very very very hard. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this over and over. Why do our brains not believe us? How can I know the truth and yet feel like it is a lie. How can my body betray me. This is so confusing and frustrating. I just want to be well.

If you struggle with intrusive repetitive thoughts and PTSD/OCD triggered anxiety attacks you know what I’m talking about. We tear ourselves up with hate filled words, with guilt filled thoughts, we remember every mistake we ever made and replay it only we make it even worse in our heads than it actually was. We confess as a ritual to try to stop the guilt, it may help for a while, but it always flares up again, and again, and again.

I’m so tired.

*Deep Breath*

We don’t give up. We have to keep fighting. We face the battle that feels even bigger than impossible and we choose to believe we are more than this feeling. We are more than this illness. We are more than the lies screaming in our heads. We are not our past. We will not surrender. We will not lay down and quit. We will get knocked down and then we will breathe deep, look our fears dead in the eyes, and say, “You will not win!”. We get back up. We keep going. Over and over and over again. We will not be imprisoned by the monster inside our heads. We will do the things it tells us we can’t. We will do the things it says we should fear. We will engage in conversations that may trigger the sleeping beast. We will be venerable to those around us when we need help. We will give ourselves grace when we are weak. We will give ourselves kind words when all we feel and hear are hatred. We will speak truth even when our whole bodies tell us it is a lie. And we will drag our broken and bleeding bodies over glass and hot coals to reach the finish line because we have a purpose and we will not quit because people fighting mental illness are quite possibly the strongest people on the planet!

Keep Fighting,

Amy