OCD battles

I struggle with several things and it’s super rare for all of the things to be going well at the same time. I’m always struggling with something and usually multiple things at once.

My fibromyalgia has been angry pretty much everyday as of late and I’m on my period.

My cycles kill.

I mean we have discussed me having a full hysterectomy many times, but due to my fragile mental state, we, and the doctors agree it’s just too risky right now.

That being said, it causes so much pain, to the point of tears at times, and I’m unable to do anything other than lay in bed with a heating pad for at least 2 days (although the bleeding usually lasts 10 days).

Side note – I laugh at the people who are all like “women shouldn’t be ashamed to free bleed.” I’m all like, Girl, I not ashamed, in fact I’m a classic over-sharer, but if I was to “free bleed” as they say we “should” as “proud women” it would look like a freaking blood bath! So. Much. Blood. Not to mention everything I own would be stained in blood. Um. No thanks.

While all that is painful, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million times more.

Mental pain is far greater than physical pain.

Today I woke up feeling okay mentally, but as the day has continued my mental state has dramatically declined.

It comes out of nowhere.

Sometimes there is a trigger and the rush of OCD is intense and overwhelming. Other times, it’s more subtle and I find myself fighting thoughts and then they just become stronger and more frequent until I’m full on high alert, survival, fight mode.

I was sitting, listening to some of my favorite music and doing some art work. I took a break and ate a sandwich. I went back to my art and all of the sudden I realized that gradually my mood had shifted and my thoughts were scaring me (they weren’t bad  thoughts, but they were traumatizing me with false guilt and fear of feeling the OCD), I realized I was quite shaky inside. My body was hurting and I was shutting down. I knew it was time to accept the flare and let it run its course.

There was no trigger. I did nothing wrong. I wasn’t in danger, yet my body or rather my mind turned on me and attacked. I was helpless to stop it.

I decided to turn to writing this out for you to help get me through this flare up.

I am not able to do anything to forget that I’m having these thoughts and feelings until it passes, but I can speak truth in the midst of it until I can feel them as true for myself again.

While we may not be able to control what’s going on inside our minds as much as we would like, we are NOT helpless. We CAN control how we fight through the battle.

I’m struggling. I’m tired. I’m worn. And truthfully I’m so over it.

I just want these nasty flares to go away and never return.

But that’s not my reality.

I will most likely fight most of these battles to some degree for the remainder of my life and I’m trying to be okay with that.

But today, right now, I just have to fight one minute at a time.

Keep Fighting,

Dawn Harris


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